


A teardrop on my chest

by GreyWeeknds



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-17
Updated: 2013-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-05 14:12:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/724191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyWeeknds/pseuds/GreyWeeknds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Harry's boyfriend takes his own life, he tries to comprehend it. One day his friend Zayn calls him and asks him to move in with him, in a little town outside of the city, and he agrees with it. When he starts the therapy session he meets this blonde boy with eyes bluer than the night sky and the pain in his heart seems to disappear. Can he love again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A teardrop on my chest

He looked at the old greyish wallpaper, it looks depressing and boring and he can’t understand whoever it was that chose it and actually liked it. Perhaps it was good looking once, he guessed, but now it looks as hideous as though he had found it on the street. Sometimes he wonder if the landlord that lived here before only decided to make them sign the contract that said that it wasn’t allowed to change it, to just to drive them nuts. He hates it, and it feels disgusting against his skin when he draws his fingers over it. It’s a bit damp and dirty, and he has for a long time suspected that there is mould inside of those walls.

 _‘Just one more year Harry’_ , he thinks. Just one more year in this rat hole before they’re moving away to a better place, a place where they don’t have to have tin buckets on the floor to stop the raindrops that’s coming though their paper thin roof.  It’s not that he hates living in the small and dark apartment, but sometimes it just feels like he is invisible in there, that no one can see him when he puts in the key and opens the door. 

Lately when he comes home from his extra shift from the café, the sad voice of Buckley surrounds his ears. Louis has always been a big fan of his, knowing all his songs by heart. Every time that he puts on the stereo and the lyrics from his broadcast through the speakers he whispers the words to himself. Harry loves the sound of his voice; it’s always been really sweet and a bit feminine to be honest. The first time he met the older boy he heard a laugh as beautiful and light as when you hit a fork on a crystal glass, you could hear how it echoed through the whole room and Harry knew already then that he was the man of his life. He had gone to the café where the brunette went every day for a whole month, he had been too afraid to walk out of his shell and say hello. But one day he finally took the courage to talk to him, and it showed that Louis had been checking him out as well. Lately though it wasn’t as usual to hear him laugh, all he heard was small comments about how much his appearance had changed, aged. He couldn’t understand what the boy was talking about; he looked more gorgeous than ever.

“I don’t know why he won’t come out Liam. He just lies in that bed without even showering, he’s starting to smell… weird.” He hissed quietly in the phone.

“Harry, I think Louis is starting to feel depressed. I can’t remember the last time I saw him smile, not a real one at least. He was always so happy before, I’ve known him more than half my life, and this isn’t the Lou that I once called my best friend.” The boy whined anxiously.

“I know, I know. It’s just, I don’t know how to make him go outside, he sais that people will look at him weirdly because of the wrinkles in his forehead. Do you know what he told me last night before he fell asleep, he said that it’s only forty-three years left before he’ll be going in retirement? He shouldn’t worry about that already, he just turned an adult.” He whirled his finger through the spiral phone cord; he knew that the sigh that Liam let out from his lungs was the end of their conversation.

-

“I really miss you babe.” Harry said while he stroked the brown locks that was spread on the white pillow.

“I’m right here.” He breathed out softly against Harry’s ear.

 _‘No Louis, you’re not.’_ He wanted to say, but he only continued to draw his slender fingers trough his boyfriend’s hair. He wasn’t there; the person that was resting on their bed was a bad mimic, someone that he didn’t recognise. This wasn’t the boy that he once met in the café those years ago; this wasn’t the person that he loved. He felt terrible for even thinking this, but his heart didn’t flutter and his knees didn’t go weak the same way anymore, as they once had done. He was supposed to love him trough all the pain and sorrow, but it wasn’t as easy as he first thought it would be. Never in his entire life he would dream of that his lover would turn into this doll, this person without a soul.

“Do you see the birds outside the windows? Those black birds swaying in the air,” he pointed with this index finger to the sky.

“They’re magnificent creatures that can just fly away when life gets tough, I’d like to be one of them. Always young, always beautiful.”

“You are young Louis, and you’re the most beautiful man that I’ve ever met.” Harry tried to insure him.

“I’m not, feel this massive wrinkle beneath my eye, it could’ve been a gaffer’s if I wouldn’t known better.”

He gently took Harry’s hand towards his face, burying his fingernails in his skin. He couldn’t feel anything, just a soft cheek that filled his palm perfectly. Sometimes he wondered what it was that Louis saw when he looked into a mirror, it couldn’t be the same reflection that Harry saw. He was flawless in his eyes; he didn’t even understand why he was together with him when he was so much better looking.

“There is no wrinkle.”

“There is, you’re just to blind to see it because of that love you have in your kind little heart of yours towards me. I’m disgusting.” He began to sob as he snuggled his chin in the crook of his neck.

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

He drew in the scent of his lover in his nostrils, he smelled absolutely amazing. It had always been something different about the way he smelled compared to others, like a sweet summer day. He couldn’t really explain it, but it was something similar to when he had been just a child. His father had bought him a lollipop from one of the trolleys in the harbour that he had sucked on gently with his tongue; the scent of it was the same as the one from Louis’ skin, all smooth and perfect.

 _‘You’re not.’_ He said silently to him inside of his own mind, in hope of that he boy wouldn’t try to persuade him the opposite.

-

Something felt wrong, he didn’t know what it was but he felt it deep inside his gut. Nick was looking weirdly on him, he knew him more than anybody else and he could see that his best friend was in pain. He only nodded towards the door before he threw away the striped apron on the disc and ran the fastest he could. The pigeons on the cobblestones flew in front of his eyes when his feet touched the ground, he couldn’t see through their feathers that surrounded his eyes, but he had to try, he had to be a hero now.

“Louis!” his raspy voice yelled loudly.

He didn’t actually expect an answer, but the worry in his body made his blood boil. There was something that was missing, the whole apartment felt empty but he couldn’t see what it was. The grey brick wall in their kitchen had still the black and white photos of them laughing with their friends and loved ones in their frames. The stereo was still playing silently in the speakers and everything looked like it had done the morning when he left, yet there was something that didn’t felt right.

He opened the door that was closing the gap between the living room and their bedroom, it felt colder than it usually did in there. The air was much rawer; it must have been open for many hours. The green orbs glanced down on the nightstand; there was a red rose with a white envelope with his name written prettily on it. Carefully he unfolded it and it only contained a small note with the words _‘My dear beautiful Harry, I’m finally one of them, young and beautiful forever. I’m happy now; I’ve opened my cage and spread my wings and flied away. I’m free.’_

He ran to the open window, the heart in his chest stopped when he saw the body that was lying in an unnatural position down on the ground. He had a wide smile glued on his lips and it took Harry a few minutes before he actually understood what had happened, his doll was gone and he couldn’t breathe properly when he dialled the number to the paramedics. The last thing that he remembered was the sound of sirens that filled his ears and the blue flashing lights before everything just went blank.

-

 _‘Haz, you should move in with me, I don’t think that it’s healthy to still sleep in that bed that you guys shared together. It’s quiet here; just a small town and I think that it would do you some good to get away from the city for a while. Your friend Liam told me that you still haven’t touched the curtains that you closed that day, when you know… he jumped.’_ Zayn’s voice played inside his mind like it was on rewind.

He lifted out the last box of the back of the red rusty van, the last time he had done this he had felt much more excited than he did now. It had been the first time that he was going to live without his parents, him and Louis had made love the whole first night crying out each others names in pleasure. The brunette had been his first one, and he had thought that he was going to be his last too. Some days he would just sit on one of the chairs in the kitchen, resting his cheek lazily in his palm. He imagined of their future, them getting married, having kids and growing old together. At that time he hadn’t known that the ‘Old’ part had been the older teen’s biggest fear, he hadn’t known that he had been sad already then.

Zayn was wearing a burgundy chequered flannel shirt that was hanging loosely around his torso, his boots were shinier than ever and he looked like he had lost some weight. His chin was stubby like always and in his ear there hang a small silver ring. He had known the raved haired man for almost his entire life, and he trusted him very deeply. It had been him that he called when Louis died, he had wanted to talk to Liam about it, but was he as torn as Harry was. It had been much easier to call Zayn since he had only met his boyfriend around three times before.

The day at the funeral had been the worst day in his whole life. All the guests were wearing black suits and they had tear strains all over their faces. Harry and Louis’ parents had sat in the front row whispering comforting words to each other. Even though they had more kids that were waiting for them to grow up, the brunette had been their only son. The look of his mum when he told her about that Louis had jumped had been heart breaking, it felt like all the air in his lungs had been pushed out and he couldn’t remember how to breathe.

“You want a smoke?” the dark voice asked him.

He only gave him a glare that said _‘Keep your damn cigarettes to yourself’._ Zayn only gave him a quick shrug before he turned his gaze over the horizon. It looked absolutely magical around here, the sun was low on the sky the most of the time, and there were firs and small red cabins where the habitants lived. If he hadn’t known any better he would have been certain that this was a paradise, waiting for him to be truly happy again.

“So you’re going to that therapy session this afternoon, right?”

“Yeah, I think I need it to move on.” He nodded.

“I think that it will be good for you, not mourning over him every minute. How long were you two together?”

“Almost four years. It would have been our anniversary this November.” He mumbled.

The boy knew that it was time to drop the subject if he didn’t want his best friend to start crying again.

“You know, I’ve missed you kiddo.” He whispered.

“I’ve missed you too Zaynie.”

-

He hadn’t expected the whole room was going to be that white like it was, and it made him feel a bit anxious on the inside. It reminded him of the old wallpaper in his last apartment, he had to bite down his bottom lip to stop himself from crying. He wasn’t an emotional person for the most of the time, but since Louis’ death he changed. He cried almost every waking hour the last two months, the pain hadn’t gone away. It still felt fresh, like somebody threw salt on his flesh when he saw things that reminded him of his old life. He hadn’t even spoken to Liam since the funeral, he was too afraid of seeing the wreck that his best friend had made him to.

There weren’t a lot of people there, only like five or six apart from him. The most of them were older. One woman had a hair that looked like a giant mess and he was a bit frightened of coming too near her, there could be living a rat or something in that hairdo. Harry couldn’t help himself from regretting that he actually signed up for this, they looked like they were far crazier than him.

“Hello everybody. My name is Joseph and I’ll be your mentor here at the session.” The old man greeted himself.

He had bags hanging under his eyes and he was a bit chubby. His eyes were hidden by two big bottle shaped glasses that he grey hair was hanging in front of.

“We will start by saying what our names is and if there is someone that feels like it, they can tell us their story why they’re here.” He continued.

“Ma’ name’s Sam!” a black man almost yelled.

He felt a bit of respect towards him, he wouldn’t want to meet him on a dark night in a small alley. His eyes were almost entirely black and when he noticed that Harry was staring at him his body seemed to flinch.

“W-well, I’m Julie, a-and t-this is my t-third time here.” The woman with the weird hairstyle said.

There were a few others that told their names, but he couldn’t remember them. They were all lunatics, and he didn’t fit in here.

“So I’m Niall, but you already knew that since I’ve been here longer than all you others. I’ve still haven’t told my story, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think that I will ever be ready.” A boy with blond hair said with a small smile playing on his lips.

Harry couldn’t help himself for being a bit curious of what his story was, he had always been a bit obsessed with finding out stuff that he shouldn’t lay his nose in. But he had to drop it and he knew that, he didn’t want somebody to be nosy about his past, about his Lou.

“It’s okay Niall, just take your time.” Joseph said as he patted the blue-eyed boy on his back.

Niall only nodded before he looked down on the floor, hugging his knees comfortingly with his palms. He understood how he was feeling, Harry didn’t either want to tell them about what happened to him. He didn’t even want to tell them his name, so it felt a bit terrifying that almost ten strangers could know his secrets if he just told them.

He stared outside of the big, bright window the rest of the therapy, not being able to open his mouth to them. The green-eyed boy felt misfit; that he didn’t belong there. He was sad, not a psycho like they probably were. The only one that seemed as sane as he were the Irish, even though he didn’t talk a lot you could see the calm in his eyes.

-

“So how was it, did it felt good?”

“It was horrible, like those weird nightmares that shouldn’t even be nightmares because they aren’t even that scary. Everything was just so white and bright, and it felt suffocating.” He sighed painfully.

“It will be better the next time.”

“What do you mean the next time? I’m not going there again!” Harry shrieked terrified.

“Yes you are, and it will be better.” The raven said determined.

Sometimes he just despised Zayn. He didn’t understood him, he didn’t saw the pain inside of him and he couldn’t imagine how much it hurt to loose the one you loved the most. He wanted to tell him that he was never going to leave this house, and that he was never even going to talk again. But he just whispered a quiet okay before he turned around and walked to his bedroom.

It was small and the walls were made of wood. It wasn’t much, but he liked it in some way. It was much better than his last apartment, where grey was the only allowed colour. Here were red, white and yellow. Small names on the walls where children had grown up, everything was just so lovingly and it made him cry silently in his lonely bed. This had been what both Louis and Harry had dreamed about that they were going to buy when they could afford it, now the dreams were crushed and they were only memories left. He buried his face in the pillow the hardest he could so that all the breath inside of his lungs were gone and he felt dizzy, but he didn’t care. All he wanted was his lover back, but that was impossible. If he wanted to meet him again he had to go the same road as Louis had, and he wasn’t ready to end his life yet. There were so many things he wanted to do, so many things to see. Things that he had wanted to do with _him._

-

He pressed lips gently against the cold stone that was blending in with the others in the yard. It had been to long since he had been here the last time, the flowers had wilted and he wondered if Jay was still visiting her son. He missed how cheerful she once had been; now she was like a broken record. He remembered the first time he met Louis’ family, he had been nervous to death but his boyfriend had insured him that his parents would love him as much as he did. He had been right; they had talked the whole day without even getting tired of each other’s presence. Harry had always thought that it would be he who would ask the blue-eyed teen’s parents of their son’s hand, but he had been wrong. Harry had been to late, and the thought of that made him fall down on his knees crying loudly.

 _‘I hate you for leaving me, how you made me feel all alone.’_ He thought angrily. He whipped irritated away the tears on his cheeks with the red sleeve, his entire tummy felt like it had been cut in half. He felt dirty for being miserable, for crying like thousands of others had done at the same place in front of different graves.

Sometimes he wanted that clock that had been in that movie about that wizard boy; that clock that rewind time to change incidents. If he could then he would jump to the first time that he told the brunette that he loved him. He would tell him everyday how young and beautiful he was so that the fear of growing old would never happen. Had it been his fault without himself realizing it? Had he been so delusional? No, he didn’t really think so. Liam had said to him that it probably been something that Louis had repressed to himself for a long time, and finally the fear had catch up with him.

When he glanced down on the ground there was a black little bird watching him. It almost looked like it was looking at him with sorrow, but how could it? It was just a bird. But there was something that he recognized with it, he didn’t knew what it was but he felt a tiny bit calmer inside in his pit. The feathers looked so soft and downy, the swallow couldn’t be that old. If Louis had been here, he would’ve been extremely exited before he would’ve tried to catch it in his palm and hugged it tenderly against his chest.

“You look after him, promise me that.” He said to the bird sternly.

Harry wasn’t certain if he had imagined it or not, but it looked like it nodded to him when he ordered it to protect his lover. He was probably just becoming insane, that happened to the most people after they lost someone they loved. His mum had thought that it had been a bit strange that he hadn’t had more break falls than just a few. If only she had known, sawn him at the nights, crying over how empty his bed felt. How empty his heart felt for not having its match beside it.

-

The wind captured his cheeks, it was cold and awful and it hurt when the tears were streaming down his face. He felt weak and embarrassed, because it had been almost three months now since he jumped, and it didn’t felt any better. The therapy hadn’t helped him yet, but Zayn carried on to insure him to continue to go to the meetings, saying that it helped in the long run. Somehow he didn’t believe him anymore, because it felt even worse when he came home. He felt like he just sat there and listened to their secrets when he couldn’t even tell his. The woman with the crazy hair, Julie, her husband had beaten her for over seven years now. It all started with that he lost his job and took alcohol to comfort himself, the only thing was that when she tried to make him stop he found out that he felt much better hitting here than feeling the strong liquid against his tongue. And the black man, Sam, he had been loved once, by a white girl. They had been happy but when her parents found out they forced her to break up with him and ever since he felt sad, unwanted. He knew all their secrets, all except Niall’s.

“It’s not open on Sundays.” He heard a thick voice saying.

“Huh?” he wondered.

“Joseph, he’s not here on Sundays.”

“Why are you here then.” He heard himself asking quite roughly.

“I just like to go around here, seeing stuff.”

He looked at the boy; his eyes were really different, a good different. They were spectacular blue, like in those Japanese animated series that he had sawn. They shimmered against the sunshine very nicely and sometimes they even glistened like some tiny diamonds. Pretty jewels captured in those blue cages. His skin was pale like snow; it looked so fragile that it could break any minute now.

“Come, I want to show you something.” He heard the boy saying.

Harry decided to follow him; he trusted his weird silence somehow. He felt a tiny hand taking his before he drew his whole body trough the bushes. It felt nice to finally feel another person’s skin in his, like his whole inside craved it deeply. He missed how it felt to being loved by someone, someone that cared about him more than a friend. He missed Louis.

“Isn’t it beautiful,” he pointed at the late horizon.

“The sunbeam always looks so pretty here in this time of the year.”

It really looked magnificent, like the whole scenario had been taken out from a fairy tale. There was a red tint on the night sky blended with purple and yellow, he wanted to touch it, know how it felt under his skin. The birds were singing in the trees and he felt how his whole brain wanted him to forget his past and live the present, but he couldn’t. The scars from his past relationship were cutting him right in the heart, and he felt guilty for even enjoying life without him in it.

“Why are you coming to the sessions, you don’t seem that sad to be honest?” Harry wondered.

“If I tell mine you have to tell yours.”

“Deal.” He said as he reached out his hand.

He was looking at it for a long while, not knowing if he really wanted to really tell his story to the curly haired that was sitting right beside him.

“I have a eating disorder. I’ve been having it since I was fourteen. It’s your turn now.”

“My boyfriend killed himself, jumped from a window to be free like a swallow. He was always very fascinated by birds.” He breathed out, feeling a bit of pain being released from his stomach.

“I find you interesting, the way you’re always very quiet, but if you have something on your mind to say it’s always really smart, and I like that.” Niall admitted.

“Thank you.” He blushed fiercely.

-

Since the day that they talked to each other for the first time the two boys had started some kind of friendship. It wasn’t like it was with Zayn and him, he loved the mysterious lad to death, but there was some things that Harry couldn’t tell him, didn’t feel like it. Niall understood, he had been through all the shit that he had. But it wasn’t like with him and Louis either, what the two of them had had was love, but with Niall he couldn’t feel those type of feelings, didn’t want to. If it had been another world then maybe it would be possible, but for now, when his boyfriend died for only seven months ago it was different. He wasn’t allowed to notice that the blonde’s eyes weren’t just blue like he had first believed; there was a small tint of yellow, almost gold coloured near the pupil. He wasn’t either allowed to notice that when he laughed it made Harry’s whole inside feel much lighter, like all the problems that was on his mind night and day disappeared. And he was certainly not allowed to dream about him on the nights, sharing the same sweaty sheets as him before he woke up panting deeply. But he did, and he felt guiltier than ever.

Harry wasn’t supposed to be attracted to another person when it hadn’t been that long ago that his boyfriend died, and he wondered if Louis would have been disappointed on him. If he just could have written on that note that it was okay for him to move on, to find love again. Then everything would be just so much easier. But Louis had never been known for being easy; he always loved to dramatize everything he did, even his own death.

“How do you feel today Harry?” the older teen asked.

“I’m fine. How about you?”

“As good as I can be.” The bubbly voice chuckled.

They walked silently to their usual place, a spot hidden from the society. Sometimes he imagined that they were two stars floating around in the galaxy with nothing more than oxygen and darkness surrounding them. It tickled a little bit when he felt a few straws of bleached blond hair under his nose when Niall rested his head on his shoulder. It almost seemed like his scalp was made to fit in the crook of Harry’s neck.

His heart and brain were thinking like night and day, it felt so good to finally be noticed by someone that didn’t judge him and felt pity for him. Before he even could stop himself he felt his own mouth was pressed on two thin, bitten lips. He tasted good, not as good as Louis, but there were something, like a little spark. There was no real passion, nothing more than tears streaming down on his own cheeks. He wanted to feel him, touch him and yet it felt like he was cheating on the brunette that was now flying on the sky.

“I-I’m sorry.” He stammered when he broke the kiss.

“Don’t be, it was nice.” Niall smiled brightly.

“I just feel… guilty.”

“It’s okay to move on and be happy Harry, the important thing is to keep them in your heart and remember why and how much you loved them, and still do.” He explained.

He threw his arms around the smaller boy’s neck before he began to sob loudly. How was he ever going to forgive himself for leaving Louis like that? He was supposed to grieve him, not thinking about making love to another man.

“Harry, just take your time and I’ll wait for you. I’ve liked you since the first time I saw you at the session, and I know that I’ve never felt this way about someone before. You’re worth it.”

“I like you too.” He breathed out in an almost not audible whisper.

-

He felt how the breath from the pale guy that was lying under him was making small pearl drops on his skin. It was cold in the room but the friction from their bodies warmed them up like a fire. Niall was whispering his name over and over again in his ear as his eyes were shut. He really looked really beautiful, even when the moon only lighted up small parts of the naked body that he was laying his whole weight on. He could feel how the Irish boy’s muscles were working underneath his skin against his belly, he bit him seductively with his teeth in the neck and the blonde was moaning loudly.

“I-I love you Harry.” He cried out.

“I love you too Ni.”

Even though it wasn’t the same thing with him and Niall as it had been with Louis, their future seemed to at least exist. Perhaps he would be happy some day, he would maybe feel the same strong feelings for him as he had once done, and that made everything seem a little bit brighter. Perhaps that teardrop on his chest would disappear someday, not long away from now. 


End file.
